Sailing Along

Back to work tomorrow…  meh…  My new supervisor called me earlier this week to check on me.  I told her I was going to try to come back at the end of this week – maybe Thursday or Friday.  I explained that I would have to see the doctor for my follow up appointment first, though, to get a release to return to work.  She told me that although they miss me (and no one does the job as well as I do), I shouldn’t come back before I’m ready.  I’m pretty sure I’m ready.  I’m not really doing anything at home.  I don’t feel like I’m grieving… I guess I am, but it’s different this time – I’m sorta less emotional.  I’ve just been trying so hard to act normal so I don’t have to think about what happened; that, and I realized that I’ve been avoiding people a little more than usual.  It sounds like the classic “wall building” defense – probably so.  It’s in there somewhere – waiting to pounce, no doubt.  I miss going to work, sipping on my iced coffee, popping in my ear buds and photoshopping for 8 hours.  I love being productive and especially look forward to the return of real paychecks.  The very worst part will be facing everyone again for the first time.  Everyone will feel so sorry for me (genuinely) and they won’t know what to say (what can you say?).  It’s just very awkward for me & for everyone else, I’m sure.  It was like that when I came back to work from losing Jacob.  I will probably cry at some point because it makes it very real again.  I’ve just gotten used to having “normal” days around the house, now it’s time to get back to the outside world – where everything has just been sailing along as if nothing had ever happened.  ((*sigh))  I know it will be OK after the first day or two.  I told my supervisor that I thought this would be a good time to ease myself back into work because of the holiday schedule.  I could work a day or two this week (and get all of the social awkwardness out of the way) and then next week will only be 4 days after a long weekend because of Independence Day on Monday.  That way I wouldn’t be working a full 40 hours until the third week.  I thought that would be a great idea until she told me that they were having a “cookout” on Friday at lunch for the 4th.  Combine that with the fact that I couldn’t get an appointment with Dr. Patel any earlier than Friday morning.  So… when I return to work it will be right in the middle of the stinkin’ party.  Woo-hoo.  That pretty much blows my plan of slinking back in as quietly as possible.  Oh, well.  At least it will be a half-day.  I haven’t decided yet if I will come back during the party and face everyone at once or if I will come in as our lunch break is ending so that when they come back from the cookout I will be at my desk already.  I will probably try to be brave and just go for it, unless I get really emotional at the last minute (also a strong probability).  I’m making myself nervous already!  Deep breaths…  Om Shiva Shanti…  It is getting late.  I may be delirious.  I’ll try to sleep tonight – tomorrow is a big day.

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